Bullies have been around since the beginning of time and they show no sign of closing up shop and leaving any time soon. It's a fact of life. It's also safe to say that most people have either been bullied or were bullies at one time in their life. You would think we would have a good idea of what defines a bully, but, for the most part, our definitions vary from person to person.
Dan Olweus, creator of the Olweus Bully Prevention Program, says this about bullying: "A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself." The action must be repeated, it must be negative and it must involve more than one person. This is an easily understood definition, but social media has taken it to a different level.
Social Media and Bullying
With the addition of social media sites such as Facebook and Formspring, teens have the ability to continue the bullying in a public format where the victims have little chance of defending themselves. Teens not only engage on each other's 'walls', but they also take their fights to the street with status updates for all to see.
On March 10th, 2011, the White House hosted a conference on bully prevention. Their targets were social media tools like Facebook and Formspring, as well as face to face encounters. Out of their research and goal to curtail the rise of bullying issues, the White House created Stopbullying.gov; their new site for bully prevention. This site offers information for teens, parents and educators in an easy to read format.
Bullying in the social media world is known as cyberbullying and occurs more often in middle school and high school. Students use phones, computers and even iPods to communicate negative remarks about one another. Some common examples are text messages, social media status updates, video uploads and even websites.
How Can You Tell if Your Child is Being Bullied or is the Bully?
All parents want to think the best of their children, but your children are better helped if you see them realistically. Pre-teens and teens are capable of anything depending on who they are with at the time and their state of mind. Look for the following signs that may shed light on your child in terms of bullying others or being the victim of bullies.
If your child is being cyber bullied, you may see the following signs:
- Unwillingness to attend school
- Their grades begin to drop across the board
- Loss of appetite
- Tiredness
If your child is the cyber bully, you may see the following signs:
- Excessive and secretive online activity
- Quickness in blaming others
- Using excuses for actions
When Do You Decide Enough is Enough?
The effects of bullying are long term and carry many scars. As a parent you need to read the signs listed above and know when to step in. With teens, the bullying can be intense, but you also want to guide your child in working through the issues as you guide him into adulthood. If you are actively participating in this journey, you will know when you should step in and help your child out.
Victims of bullying may experience the following:
- Increasing health issues
- More absences
- Higher risk of depression
- Anxiety
- Suicidal thoughts
- Drop in grades
- Possible revenge plan
Bullies may be involved in the following:
- Alcohol and drug use
- Sexual activity
- Crime
- Aggressive behavior
What Should You Do as a Parent?
Talking with your child is the most important step as it will help you get a perception of their trauma. Find out the root cause, if there is one, of the bullying. Decipher, as best you can, those at fault. Many times it is a group, not a single person, that is at fault and it is unusual for the victim to remain silent throughout the ordeal.
If your child is being cyber bullied, have him shut down hisr Facebook and Formspring accounts. Teens become obsessed with reading what others are saying about them and this is unhealthy.
Don't fuel the fire. Your child's perception may be close to accurate, but your added aggression or emotional response doesn't help school officials or other parents in figuring out where the fault lies. It certainly doesn't help your child in navigating through this emotional time and this is what he needs from you immediately.
School settings are fishbowls and you need to give your children coping skills and boundaries as they see the offender(s) in the hall and in the classroom throughout the day. Enlist the help of school officials as a support system. Share the story and offer documented proof (social media messages, texts, etc.) if you have them. Always save social media threats and harassment messages. All schools have a no tolerance policy, and if all students have been engaged in bullying on some level, they will all receive consequences.
Help your child to move on as quickly as possible and, if necessary, encourage him to build new friendships. Invite new friends over and meet parents. Bullying doesn't have to be destructive if you catch it in time and help your child navigate his way out of high level situations.
References:
Olweus, Dan. "What is Bullying," Olweus Bullying Prevention Program (accessed March 11, 2011).
Leslie Bogar - Leslie is the Dean of Students at a college preparatory high school in the Denver Metro area. She has been involved in education for 20 ...
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